The newly elected president of Argentina, Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner.

I’m just sayin’.

Popularity: 30% [?]

The truth is, I always wanted to be a football player. Let me clarify that. I wanted to be an *American* football player. I have no interest in soccer. Call me crazy, but I have never been inclined to embrace a game in where you have a chance of being killed as a spectator. Along with that, I imagine I wouldn’t fit in with the European culture. I don’t have a snobby accent, I believe in God, I bathe, and I’d never drop my gun and run away from a fight. So, it’s obvious to me that American football is where it’s at, indeed.

Yes, I’ve had dreams of knocking the snot out of quarterbacks ever since I was a little kid, but my physical limitations keep me from doing so. This is unfortunate, but these things happen. The closest I’m ever going to come to playing football is by winning the Super Bowl on the latest edition of John Madden NFL . In fact, I have done this. I’ve done it multiple times with every installment of the game since the early 90’s and I’ve also done it with a few offshoot game titles. I’d really have to stop and think about it to be accurate, but if I were to guess, I’d say I’ve won at least 30 Super Bowls by now.

Yes, that’s right. I, your good friend Art, am a 30+ time Super Bowl champion. Come over to my house and I’ll show you my rings. I don’t even have enough fingers to wear them on! I am a legend! A man among men! Now, if I could just stop playing for 7 years, the NFL would most certainly induct me into their Hall of Fame in Canton, Ohio.

Sure they would…if I was completely delusional. See, here’s the thing:

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Popularity: 32% [?]

Interested in a specific GOP candidate, but don’t have all day? I have just the thing for you. Download an MP3 copy of the debate here, and follow along with my handy dandy candidate/issue timestamp cheat sheet.

I make campaigning FUN! (See after the break)

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Popularity: 20% [?]