“MySpace, MTV and The Associated Press today announced Senator Barack Obama and Representative Ron Paul will join Senator Hillary Clinton and Governor Mike Huckabee in ‘Closing Arguments: A Presidential Super Dialogue,’ on Saturday, February 2, 2008 at 6PM ET.”

According to the press release, ‘Closing Arguments’ “Will give each candidate 15 – 20 minutes to individually address unfiltered questions from the highly engaged and coveted youth voting bloc just before Super Tuesday. Youth votes in Iowa, New Hampshire and South Carolina have hit record highs this year, and the trend is expected to continue in Super Tuesday states.”

Well, isn’t this just special? As if our political system hasn’t already been irreversibly damaged by our newly minted obscenely early and oh-so-open primary system. I absolutely love the fact that I can have members from the opposing party vote for my party’s nominee in January. That way, when my turn comes on Super Tuesday, I’m left with a choice between a crap sandwich and a turd taco. Thanks a bunch, Bush haters. Your zeal to get him out of office has rendered my vote all but meaningless, but no, no, that’s not enough. MTV just won’t leave us alone.

I would love to sit in on one of their production meetings. Granted I’d have to pack a lot of gauze to get through it, but it still might be entertaining in some way. Group delusion is sometimes amusing. I don’t give a damn what MTV says, recent history has shown that the youth vote is stagnant, and has been for the past several cycles. MTV’s past forays into political action haven’t led to votes. P. Diddy’s “Vote or Die” left kids saying, “Maybe I can be rich without having a job, too.” The Bruce Springsteen concerts? That most likely led to conversations consisting of, “Yeah, I think my grandpa likes him.” So, lots of chatter, and no voting. After all, you have to put the bong down and leave the house to do that.

Nonetheless, MTV soldiers on, once again proving that you just keep a dumbass down.

So, now where are we? We’re putting four candidates from both parties (all of whom are idiots in some fashion,) on the stage at the same time. (It will be at least five candidates when John McCain hears about it. He’ll show up with his own Make-up trailer in tow. By the way…John McCain? Also an idiot.)

Now, couple all of this along with the facts that, no matter what “rules” you try to set, politicians can’t resist shouting over one another, and you’ll have an audience that only showed up because they made a wrong turn heading into TRL, vapidity will rise like Phoenix from the ashes.

I say why waste your time? Here’s what will happen: All the questions from the Bong Brigade will be about Iraq and “When can I get some free stuff from the guh-ment?” Once that’s out there, each candidate will respond along these lines, or in the following contexts:

Hillary Clinton: “War is awful. That’s why we must have health care and Universal Playstation for everybody!”

John McCain: “Is this my Good side? Fix that light, sailor! I’ve been in Washington for 30 years, but I’m an outsider! Oh, and I F-n hate Mitt Romney! …That’s some straight talk, my friends….”

Barack Obama: {Will talk about “change” more than a tollbooth attendant, and smile as doe-eyed teens soak up his meaningless platitudes.} (Yeah, Barack. You give us hope. We hope you’ll shut up soon.)

Mike Huckabee: “I used to be a minister, and I really feel people’s pain. Not only that, I used to ride my ‘ol pack mule to the Reagan Library on the weekends.”

Ron Paul: “Foreign policy blah blah blah! We must stop our neo-{insert random socio-political concept here} ways! Gold standard! No, I don’t agree with truthers! : But the money is nice.”

As for Mitt Romney? They probably won’t let him in. He looks too much like “The Man”. Besides, that much hair gel under hot lights could prove deadly.

There you go. That should save you a couple hours of your life that you’d never get back. My advice to you? Rest up for the Super Bowl. You’ll learn more from the commercials than MTV’s latest stab at political relevancy.

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