I have this friend who gets a lot of e-mails from young people asking for advice. It’s pretty weird, when you think about it, because he’s not really qualified to dispense a whole lot of advice. What’s worse is that sometimes when he gets stumped, he sends them to me. That’s scary too, because I’m just as big a doofus as he is.

A few days ago, he forwarded me this e-mail:

“I want to start this out by saying I am an amputee (left arm) and i am in high school… good combination :/ I get a bunch of crap in school because people think i can\’t stand up for myself. Daily i have to deal with people hitting me and saying things and i have to ask… how should i deal with the abusive people and should i fight one of them to show that i can stand up for myself. Also how should i deal with anger?”
THANKS,
5leggedchair”

–

I guess it’s rather fitting that I get this e-mail, because for some reason, quite a few folks have gotten in my face lately. It must be that time of year or something. I digress.

Lots of important things to consider here:

Actually, I’m shocked this is going on in high school. I mean that sincerely. I could easily see it in middle school, but not high school. I mean, honestly, I can see scrawny-but-fully-able-bodied “Chess Club” kids getting stuffed into a locker. Sometimes nerds get smacked around. But, not a one armed kid. That’s cold.

Hopefully, this guy is within his first two years of high school. If he’s been taking beatings for three years or so, and he’s just now asking about how to deal with it, that’s pretty pathetic. (Sometimes when we ask for help, we’re gonna hear things we don’t like.) But it’s important to know how long the kid has been in school, because, it’s good to know how much time we have left to work with here. For the sake of argument, we’ll assume this guy is in his first or second year.

Now, with that out of the way, Gather ’round, children. Let us begin.

We have to start on the primal level. It’s important to realize our society has gotten soft, and physicality has been shunned in favor of “understanding”. While it is important to avoid fighting if you can, you must reject the current social structure which would lead us to believe that it’s *never* an option. Do you know why we’ve been in Iraq for four years? Because we fight like sissies, that’s why. So, That being said, you must develop the right mentality to survive. Simply put: you need to be really crafty, and get bigger bombs.

1. At some point everyone gets into a fight. It is an unavoidable fact of life. Accepting that is key.

2. Nobody really wins fights, so don’t be concerned about that. If you must fight, just be focused on inflicting as much damage as possible. Even if you lose, make sure that other guy knows he was in a tussle. He may not say so, but he’ll eventually respect you. I think one of the most important things anyone can learn is to take a punch and bounce right back up. It speaks volumes. If I can do it, anyone can. Learn to throttle back your fear. Don’t be afraid to “step into the octagon”. Pain can be liberating. Just be smart about it. Start with somebody like Screech. Not Ken Shamrock.

3. Also, if one must “throw down”, specifically in high school, think of it like opening a business. Location is everything. If *I’ve* got one arm, I’m wanting the fight to take place in the cafeteria during lunch. Make sure everybody sees it. Trust me, not everybody hates this kid. The numbers game alone makes that impossible. Win lose or draw, the guy will have a “rep” when it’s over, and some will definitely admire him, and making friends is obviously very important.

Okay, now it’s time to get practical with our one-armed bandit, here.

Basic Thuganomics: Got one good arm? Make *sure* it’s your good arm. Build it up huge. I’d want my arm to be so big that the other kids start calling me Trogdor. And you better know who Trogdor is, because anyone who doesn’t isn’t cool enough to email me.

Next, get a prosthetic arm if you can. If you have to, pop that sucker off and use it as a bat. However, this is a *last resort* tactic only. Nobody wants to end up in jail for assault and battery. The school system is run by a bunch of pansies now, and they won’t give you a detention. They might call the cops on you. Making somebody *think* you’ll clock them with your plastic arm is often good enough. *Name* the thing if you have to.

Those are probably the two most important personal things that can be done. But don’t go out and start fights. That would be bad. All I’m doing is offering advice in so far as being prepared. *Never* start a fight. Only finish them.

That takes care of the physical warfare. Now, let’s talk about the psychological part:

Don’t be a complete toad. And by that, I mean an antisocial geek who spends his entire day on Google, with maybe some D&D mixed in. For as crappy as high school can be, it is a tremendous social opportunity. There are lots of things available now where our buddy Trogdor can make all kinds of friends if he makes the effort to involve himself. In fact, his disability can be
used as an advantage. I know what will save his life:

Sports.

One arm wouldn’t prevent him from running track. More than that, there once was a pro baseball pitcher I used to admire when I was a kid. His name was Jim Abbott. Jim Abbott had…one arm. So, while it might be a struggle to learn to play sports, it can be, and I’ve *seen* it done.

Even if he can’t pull that off, he could be an equipment manager. I was the equipment manager for the football team in my high school, and it worked wonders for me, because I made sure I was more than just a towelboy. I made myself indispensible. I’ve always been a big football fan, so, I made sure I understood everything. I immersed myself in the sport, and I could have intelligent discussions with anybody on the team, be they players or coaches. I bent over backward, and they could see I did it out of love for the game, and they all knew I would play if I could. They loved me…and they stuck up for me. See what I’m driving at here?

I’ve always felt team sports were paramount in terms of social development. It teaches you how to get along with and work with other people, and Teammates become family. Everybody watches each other’s back. Looking back 15 or so years now, I can honestly say that my old ‘mates were some of the best friends I’ve ever had, and I’ve been told that faculty at my old high school still talk about me from time to time, and even kids who played football long after I graduated know who I am.

So, my advice would definitely be to get involved in sports on some level. Try to play, because a one armed sports star would certainly become a social darling. But if he can’t, he should definitely try to help out. Because,while it’s good to know how to throw a punch, it’s even better to know how *and* put yourself in a situation where you won’t have to. It’s also a great outlet for all that pent up anger and aggression.

As always, my word is law. :)

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